you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm like, not good at living.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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