there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
