So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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