Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize