KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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