i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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