connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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