call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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