so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
