Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
