tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize