Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
smell my finger.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
