i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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