Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My vagina is officially offended.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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