I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
