...so i touched it.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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