you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize