Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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