I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
and she was petting her beer can
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Boobs speak an international language.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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