Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
