it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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