my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
