I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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