I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
