just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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