I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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