I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
