theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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