doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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