Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
