I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
