Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
