fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
