i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
two words: eviction party
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
