I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
