i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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