My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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