Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
