How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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