I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Canโt. Itโs taco and dick night.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
