i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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