So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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