It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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