I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
