you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
