it was like eating out sand paper
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
