i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
