you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
