I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
