That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
