I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
