I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
