mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
