dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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