talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
