C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
