Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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