So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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