You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
