i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
