I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Oh god it's open bar.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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