Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Why are your pants in the freezer?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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