Just fell off a train. Bad.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
