I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
