not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
