Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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