1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
