Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I deserve this hangover.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
