Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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